Hi.
Firstly, I’ve not written anything for a few years.
Secondly, I’m going through a period in my life that feels uncertain and like everything is imploding and wanting to rejuvenate (aware how dramatic this sounds – it’s me, hi, i’m the problem it’s me, bear with). This morning, in a bid to try and do some deep diving within, I found myself trying to reconnect with things that make me feel like ‘Me’ whilst simultaneously trying to think about what my greater purpose in life is, aside from the obvious performing and creating. The last few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘service’ and how I can be of service to others and this morning, I found myself being your typical basic bitch and googling just that – ‘how can I be more of service to others?’. I stumbled across a lovely article with lots of different, enlightening points but one in particular got me good –

‘Write from the heart’.

I remembered that I used to write a lot.
And not for validation, recognition, professional gain or silly instagram captions.
I’ve always written in a bid to connect to people, in the hope that people may relate to a particular experience or feeling that I may be experiencing. I’ve written in the past to find a sense of belonging or in an attempt to maybe help someone else feel like they belong. (Some might think ‘oh how indulgent’ but I can honestly say, over the years, it has helped to keep me afloat when I’ve not felt at my best and it’s been a helpful tool in processing some not nice things so essentially, however it may look on the outside, I don’t actually care ha!)

Well, here I am again; five years after the last thing I wrote, hoping for the same thing once more after forgetting that that part of me existed for a little while.
The truth is I’m back writing because I lost my Nan last year and I’ve not felt like the same person since.
And well, in the long run, I’d like to work out how to get back to myself again but that’s always going to be work in progress. In the meantime, I’d like to share thoughts and feelings in the realm of ‘Grief’ and other bits, in the hope of connection – with others and well, with myself. Because although I’m mourning the loss of someone who was the Sun in our family solar system, I’m grieving the old Me too. Which I know sounds absolutely depressing – but I also know it doesn’t have to be and I’m hell-bent on spinning the narrative so that it’s not.

It feels a little like this at the moment…
I’m climbing out of Girlhood and having to put my big girl pants on to step into Womanhood. A bit like a revamp of your favourite TV show that’s renewing for another season (not Grey’s Anatomy though – that bitch has dragged on too long and as a long-time supporter of the Grey/Yang society and avid user of the phrase ‘he’s very dreamy but he’s not the sun, you are’… I am LOST now.)
I’m changing networks but not in the ‘moving from the BBC to Channel 5’ kinda way (why did that always feel like a downgrade?) – I’m choosing to believe that we’re levelling up to a classier streaming platform over here, all the way to Netflix baby. Only the levelling up thing is like trying to defeat the final boss on a playstation game you’ve been locked in your room playing for 5674 hours and you. just. can’t. get. past. it.
Anyhow, as much as I love a nonsensical metaphor, I digress.

I’ve been re-reading these old blogs of mine from five years ago and reflecting hard. I’ve felt sad at times because they highlight just how lost I’ve felt at various points over time but there’s so many glimpses of passion and love and absolute zest for life mixed in too.

I say this with my chest – I have lived a fucking excellent life so far.
I have been so incredibly lucky to have achieved the things I have, to have travelled to places I’ve travelled to, to have been granted the opportunities that I have been granted and to have been able to spend the most valuable time with the people I love most. Everything has always fallen into place – even when it’s felt upside down, at some point down the line, I’ve had the ‘Aha! That’s why that happened!’ moments. In those moments of adversity, I’ve searched for the lessons in a bid to try and improve and to be the best version of myself. Even when I’ve fucked up, I’ve tried my very best to find how I can make better choices next time so I don’t make the same mistakes again.
However, I’ve been re-reading and also noticing just how much pressure I have put on myself to do all of the above – sometimes not allowing myself to just ‘be’ and ‘flow’ and ‘ride the wave’. There has always been a constant pressure to be better, to do better – to prove something.

Well, I’m a bit tired of proving I think. I don’t think I want that to be the main character in my new season. 
And maybe that’s my first step – via this little outlet towards coming back to myself again… taking the pressure and expectation off one’s self and not trying to make anything perfect or prove anything to anyone in any way shape or form.

Nothing to prove, only to share.

So I’m going to share, in the hope that it helps me a little on my crusade to find my way, knowing that I’m never going to have everything figured out. It’s perfectly ok that I’m not who I was before and it’s perfectly ok to just exist without a constant need to be ‘trying’ and ‘striving’ all of the time. It’s perfectly ok to put yourself first and to not care about what other people think and to sit still for once and just… be.